Two nights ago I went to a parenting talk called "Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child." I'm not the usual suspect for these sorts of public gatherings. I prefer to read the books and rely on my gut. But lately, but gut hasn't been there for me, especially in relation to my 7 1/2 year old who can plummet into the depths of despair at the slightest injury (emotional or physical). It was time for me to try something new.
Wow.
Sometimes the simplest concepts make the most sense. The idea behind Stay Listening is to just be there when your child is having a tough time. Maybe she's having a meltdown, maybe she's hitting her sister, maybe she's just plain mad or just plain euphoric. These swings of intense emotion rattle me. I always want my kids to quiet down, calm down, take it easy. I say things like "You're okay," or "It's not a big deal" or "Oh, I know how much it hurts when you stub your toe" in an effort to soothe them. With Stay Listening, you don't have to say any of that. Instead you make eye contact and simply let your child know that you're there, you're with them. Once they know that you're really there with them, they feel safe. Some kids might then take the opportunity to really tap into their emotions and a new meltdown can occur. Others might just calm down on their own when they're ready.
I think one of my biggest challenges as a parent is to be present with my kids. It can feel onerous, like I have to stop what I'm doing and engage with them entirely, thus losing myself. But that's not what Stay Listening is about. It's about just being there and letting your child know that you are there and that when you are there, they are safe and can experience all their emotions.
I tried this with my oldest the other night. Ella was angry that her younger sister wouldn't do what she wanted her to, but after two or three minutes of my looking right at her and telling her "I'm right here" it turned out she was really afraid that Ruby wouldn't share with her and that hurt her feelings. Then she cried for two minutes and was done. Amazing. Usually a scenario like this one escalates to Ella at her sister and me and ending up in a time out.
It's so great to see what can happen when you give your kid real undivided attention that's about them and not you. What a relief.
